so it's been almost a mth and a half since i last blogged. so in this mth and a half a lot has happened.
2 ICTs in 3 weeks was a killer. running ard, handling all the little details, answering questions, dealing with screwed up systems. well, at least it's all over now. no time to hit the gym also, so i've put on some weight.
the weight issue cld have also come thanks to the 5 days MC the MO gave me for my fever. it's become so common place that MOs just give panadol and 5 days MC as the standard SOP for fevers nowadays. so i pretty much just sleep at home, watch TV. at least i got time to catch up on my reading and gaming now. the funny thing is, i don't think it's H1N1, cause the fever miraculously disapeared the next day. just got the sore throat now.
and the past few weeks have also been filled with my 2 star kayak course, L1 abseiling, watching own time own target with kristy, class outing and dim sum biffet with some of the OGLs.
kayak was fun. the choppy filthy waters of the kallang river and you. what more could you ask for. besides the aching bodies, the sore arms, the chao da-ed hands, it was a fun experience. learned cool stuff, like how to do "drifting" in a kayak, and also how to empty the kayak without going back to shore, rescuing and recovering in the middle of the water. the 6km expedition to the marina barrage was tiring but fun. only thing i hated was the capsize drill, which sadly was the very FIRST thing they made us do for the course. *claps* really want to head back into the water again. some day. to practice everything.
abseiling was lame. instructor was a bit crappy. rained so didn't abseil down the wall. oh wells. at least now i know how to abseil and break properly.
own time own target was a great play. besides the minor mix up in venue (totally my fault i admit) it was a funny play. it was a NC-16 play but saw some parents bring in their 2 children. very good reflection of the army. all the vulgarities, all the blunders, all the "tai chi". although the first story was a bit far fetched, the second story was better. brought back the memories of BMT.
class outing at marina barrage. quite fun. epic failure in trying to fly the kite, but it was a nice catch up session. sitting around talking, playing cluedo. then dinner at shokudo, great food great company. what more could u ask for.
then on my leave day (before i fell sick), dim sum buffet with ziyin, charrissa and xue lin. nice talk cock session, sat in the restaurant for 2 hrs. but the food was only so-so. not that nice. but again, the company was nice.
less than 100 days to ORD, 50 working days (after subtracting my leave, long weekends, clearance and MC after wisdom tooth extraction). i can almost smell my pink IC. can't wait for uni to begin. yes, i tolerated almost 2 years of this when i cld have gone in like last year. i can only blame myself, but i just go to move on. it's just a bit more.
after watching ghost of girlfriends past, which by the way was a hilarious show (despite the fact that we were almost late for the show, for once i am thankful for the fact that cinemas love to show 15 minute long commercials before the movie begins proper), i am now addicted to all the oldies of the past, the retro oldies that for some reason i knew for like almost 10 years but never knew the titles. one of the songs that was in the show was earth wind and fire's let's groove, which is one nice song. shall put up the MV for it, it really was representative of that era, with the grainy films, and low grade effects, smoke and flashing lights.
nothing much nowadays, i'm looking at diving classes. got to save up enough money and find people who are willing to spend that much money first. hope can take after i ORD.
talking to some of the guys over lunch and we were saying how asians work too much, one of the reasons why westerners hate us. cause we're too damn hardworking. look at chinese overseas and they work like 24/7, unlike the locals who close shop at 5pm sharp. maybe it's cause we are used to a competitive nature, that's why we are ingrained to work hard, and failure is not an option. think i should forget that thinking and move on. i've failed, time for plan B.
i've spent my time surfing the brightsparks forum, looking up pharmacy. i've realised that pharmacy has got many prospects, well as far as i can tell. i can go attachments, possibly even go overseas for a year (if i wanted), learn about drugs, pharmacology, stuff that should play more to my interest in chemistry. perhaps that's where i shld head to instead of medicine.
ot of curiosity, i looked at the medicine forums as well. and well, all i can say is the age old adage that failing to prepare is preparing to fail. in my case, i should have looked into the forum. there was so much information that i could have used to my benefit. i could have prepared myself better for the interview, maybe mentally prep myself for the essay, maybe fnd out more about the whole course itself. i can only blame myself.
so i guess i should make use of whatever the kind souls have typed on the forums and maybe land myself a scholarship with HSA for pharmacy. TTSH seems to have a mid pharmacy scholarship too. there's even a chance if i mug my ******** ass off, score a CAP of 5.0 for 2 sems, i can transfer (albeit having to repeat one year) to med, which is highly unlikely.
but now that i have found some goal in life, some other things are still lost. i tried my best, i really did. i did it because i didn't want anymore undue stress on you. i did it because it's what you wanted me to do. now that i've found out the reason why i shld take pharm, why i shld stay, why i even started to find out all the answers in the first place, i hope you'll forgive me. i've tried my best not to fall into the pit of self despair again, but it's hard, knowing that your not by my side to help me.
self-denial: the habit of refusing to do or have things that you would like, either because you cannot afford them, or because you believe it is morally good for them not to do them or have them.
self-pity: a feeling of unhappiness that you have about yourself and your problems, especially when this is unnecessary or greatly exaggerated.
self-delusion: the state of having a false idea about yourself or the situation your in.
i could suppose that i am all of the above. in self-denial that all is well, self-pity that i am not studying now, self-delusion that everything is well.
it's funny how i sit in front of the com everyday and think to myself how my future is going to turn out. mugging til 24 to get a job my parents might not like. mugging til 26 to fulfill something, or mugging til 28 to lag behind all my friends. what am i to do?
i don't know what i want in life, what i want to do, what direction i want to head in. i'm a compass with its arrows pointing all over the place. an airplane flying in the fog without any heading. a balloon floating in the air.
i need a mature mind to talk to. for all my friends, none can comprehend what i feel, none can give me solid grounded advice, none understand the situation i am in, few can point me in the right direction. it's gotten so bad, sometimes, i just skip looking at the MO's names in the RO, cause i just feel like bashing them up.
in some ways, we all like to mutilate our bodies in one way or another. i know i do. just that mine don't leave scars, can heal back relatively well, and are kept from the public eye. i've tried to stop, but with little results. i don't know why i do it. maybe it's the feeling of pain as a temporary relief, to remind myself that i am afterall, human, bounded by the physical and mental restrictions of the human flesh, subjected to the problems that all humans face.
i keep bathing myself in self-pity. why didn't i pad up my resume? why didn't i go and inflate my portolio with mindless things that i know i wouldn't really care about or things that i have absolute no interest in? why didn't i pay more attention in CAAL and what other nonesense we may have had in the past?
when life throws you one of those obstacles you face, its always so easy to say no i won't be defeated, i won't back down. but often times, when it asks you to make the hard choice, how many of us are actually able to put our foot down and make the hard decisions?
