When I said I really needed a scholarship, I was being selfish in a sense.

I needed a scholarship, to define my life, to define myself, to define my sacrifices.

I needed a scholarship, to prove to my parents, to mock my parents, to throw it to their faces, that I don't need their money to get my education, that I can be self reliant, that I don't need to be indebted to them.

But that plan has failed, and when I think back about it, it really sucks to know that my life has been in disarray simply because I can't get one question answered: why?

I still feel like an idiot, making them pay for my uni when they obviously didn't approve of it. I don't want to be indebted to them, not after all that's been done and said.

It sure sucks to have to think about such things...

No it's not goodbye to this blog, it's goodbye to 2010.

2010 has been a roller coaster ride of a year. I've been through so many ups and downs (mostly downs and more downs) that I think if you plotted a graph of my mood through the year, it wil be more complicated than the stock market graph.

But 2010 has taught me much. It's taught me the value of self worth (what with me beating myself up and finally, albeit still continuing to, let go of the past), the truth behind the real world (working has never felt more stressful and tiring), to pick up old skills (without some determination, I would never have learnt Merry X'mas Mr Lawrence and Wedding Dress on the piano) and new skills alike (dancing was something I never would have thought of trying, ever).

2010 brought me pain (with my fractured and never fully healed relationship with my parents), fun (a big shout out here to the Beekers, pharmacy peeps and the people who've made dancing so fun), joy (just trying to enjoy life) and disappointment (my pathetic CAP score and my diminished hopes of changing course).

2010 taught me to grow up, move on with life, and hopefully, plan for my future better.

2010 was a painful and steep learning curve. Eventually, I hope that life lessons like these never repeat themselves. Instead, I want it to last forever in my mind. I hope that learning from them will prevent my mistakes from ever happening again.

As for 2011, my new years resolution is to get fitter, play better basketball, mug harder, think about answers before going for any interview, learn to play the guitar with more conviction, brush up on my piano, and do all the things I've never had the chance to do (dance more, learn Jap, read my books).

May 2011 wash away my sorrows and bring forth a new beginning, for the past has shackled me too long and the future has bothered me too much. The present is all that matters now.

 Nobody said that moving on was easy, they never said it was this hard...

Anybody ever told you, the reason I'm so stressed out right now is cause I want to score enough to change course? Anybody ever told you I'm staying in hall just to avoid you at home?

On the side note, I'm able to play wedding dress decently I suppose. After just 6 weeks of practice.

In two weeks time, it's the make or break time for me. like kobe in the fourth quarter, like lebron in the final seconds of OT, like derrick rose slashing into the lane with 3 seconds left on the clock, exams are coming. This nice 2 week test will determine if I can really achieve my dream, or shatter my world forever. I've told myself that it's useless to celebrate my birthday until I can truly be content with myself. That time will come after I know where my future lies.

So no 21st birthday party, no happy celebrating the key to my life, no celebrating a pointless life until it finds its compass direction.

til then, it's time to mug, study and memorise all those anatomical parts, the physiological terms, the organic theories and the skills of pharmacy practice.